Ebb and flow

I woke up at the crack of dawn, as was my wont. I unfolded my army jacket around my thin silhouette, and put on the same navy ripped jeans. The air was too cold I could notice my heavy sighs steaming. I knew anemia might kill me today but I wanted to leave so badly ..
I took my bike and I parted. Perhaps better things await. The street was too quiet I could hear my every thought as it emerges into my brain. That moment I realized I was just a lost soul wandering constantly in this world full of temporary things. Everything that I will hold on will eventually be gone. Everything. Grief is what we pay for love. And i still got deep pure feelings for people who left my side. My heart must be bleeding out of my chest. I thought I'm over this sufferance though I can feel tears brimming my eyes. Perhaps it's time to let go, it's time to leave. Perhaps better things await. Bleak wind rises, pedaling is getting exerting ..
My legs are barely moving. The cold air is almost paralyzing my movements. My skin is cold-sweat, my fingers are trembling, my lips are quite chapped. The sky is getting darker and a dull pale gray is altering the fancy turquoise. Gloomy clouds are condensing to hide glowing sunlight. A faint glimmer slipped out of the shades. Maybe this's my spark. 
If i only had enough strength to carry on ..
My body is cracking from the pain I've swallowed so many times, my limbs are weak and aching through the bone. I can no longer hold myself upright, soon I will lose my balance. I stopped. I had to. When i only had the guts to get a bit away from my hell, I found out I'm chained up to my weakness. I'm sick of being trapped in this body. Self loathing is filling my head with insanity. My soul is craving heaven. My soul is yearning for death.
For life isn't for everyone. I'm just surviving by the skin of my teeth. I keep tripping over myself, I feel dizzy and weak-kneed. Yet I kept walking and moving my bike, slowly. Couple of steps I end up at the shore. I gazed into the edge of the sea, where it met the sky. The boundaries remain a secret the oceans hide. Maybe I was waiting for a hope from the mists of the horizon, Chasing ghosts of bliss, drinking shots of euphoria. Waves ebb and flow and life isn't about waiting. Flashbacks went through my head so fast, just the same empty feelings in my heart. I'm eaten by anxiety, wrapped up by suicidal thoughts. Today I could be just a memory, if I caught the horizon. I took my shoes off, bare-foot I ambled on humid sand. Fresh breeze tickled my noise, brushed my hair, kissed my cheeks. I could sense the sun caressing every split fraction of me. The moment was almost enchanting. The warmth that embraced me was a unique pleasure. My emotions were wild, I'm about to drown in my own mess. I didn't mind though. It was a beautiful vivid canvas. Natural art wasn't meant to be understood, it is a chaos that's meant to make you feel something. I felt home. Maybe death wasn't what I sought, not even close, i only wanted to be saved. I want to feel alive. I seek my lighthouse in the dark wide oceans.